Normally I don't participate in #ManCrushMonday. My instagram is already full of nauseatingly adorable pictures of me and my boo on a regular basis, and while my followers might wish I would, I don't limit myself to just one day of the week to share. However, you may have noticed its been a while since I've posted one of those sticky sweet pics.
In fact, Chad has been gone for two (long) months. He's wrapping up his time on the Stennis, and fingers crossed, he will be home in a few weeks. Now, in terms of deployments, it could be way worse. We could be just two months in to a nine month rotation, which thankfully we are not. We could have children at home, which again, thankfully we do not. Hats off to those women and men who can manage all that while their spouse is away, because I can't imagine how hard that is. It's hard enough now, and it's just me and Gussy (who truth be told, is just fine without Chad) waiting at home.
People will say all the time, "Oh I bet you miss him, don't you?" or "Well, he'll be home before you know it." They mean well, but the fact is, that whether it is two weeks, three months or a year, Chad still isn't here; it's not like he's on a business trip and he'll be home after the weekend. Now, he's not doing anything terribly dangerous, so I don't want to seem overly dramatic. We're lucky for that. But still, my #ManCrushMonday, my sweet boy, is half way around the world in the middle of the ocean, and its not easy.
Those people are right, of course. I do miss him - but that doesn't come close to capturing how I actually feel. I miss him deep in my gut, where the most honest, true parts of myself are kept. I miss a million things that never mattered before, but now in his absence are bittersweet breadcrumbs that keep tears at bay.
A dear friend posted something on her blog a long time ago about wishing time away. She wrote about it much more eloquently than I ever could, and I've taken her words to heart. To say this has been hard is an understatement; I am impatient for Chad to be home, but I am trying very hard not to wish this time away. We're given a finite amount of time; whatever you believe in, that fact is inescapable. And I would hate to be so focused on selfishly wishing that Chad was home that I miss out on experiences and opportunities that could be had if I just taken a moment to see them.
So, instead of focusing on all the time we still have left to go before he comes home, I'm trying to focus on how much time has already passed, and how much more we both appreciate each other now that we've had this time apart.
Be prepared though; when Cheddar Bae returns, my social media, including this blog will turn into absurdly saccharine love fest. Man Crush Monday will Man Crush Everyday, and to quote my favorite hashtag, I'm #SorryNotSorry.
You've been warned!